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Solitary Deliberation

1 August
External Services:
  • hawkelf@livejournal.com
  • hawkyelf

You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it.
-- W.S. Gilbert
This is my sanctuary, my place of whining and lists. Who doesn't have issues? But this is where I talk about mine. It can be silly, boring, repetitive, and contradictory; it's always sincere.

If you wish to friend me, please go here and tell me why. I can be paranoid, and I'm always curious. Do this one little thing and I'll probably friend you.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-- Aldous Huxley
Some information about myself seems in order. I'm a twenty-two-year-old art student. I went to college at Kansas City Art Institute straight out of high school, didn't stay, tried being an artist, and now find myself returned to KCAI.

In my 'free' time, I play at places like trans_9, sixwordstories, and wilderlands. Go here for a full list of my pups.
Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one.
-- Stella Adler
Being completely mad, I used to travel in the spring and fall throughout the Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Oklahoma area, selling my artwork. In the end, that didn't quite pan out the way I'd hoped. Back to school I go.
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my usual manner...sulking and nausea.
-- Tom K. Ryan
So yes, I do a lot of talking, complaining, and squeeing over whatever I'm working on. It takes up a very large part of my life, in one form or another. I have a lot of self doubt, like any artist, and when I hit a brick wall, I tend to hit it hard. The trick, I'm learning, is to keep pushing through it. The problem is, that's also the hardest part.

Of course, when push comes to shove, I just back off. Roleplaying and fandom at large are my release mechanisms, my foremost hobbies. I spend far too much time in both.
This search for what you want is like tracking something that doesn't want to be tracked. It takes time to get a dance right, to create something memorable.
-- Fred Astaire
I don't want to live here forever, no matter how much I love it. I'd like to eat more good food, have more options for my work, be able to yell 'screw it!' to the world and just do whatever I want. Too bad that right now I can't and don't, and don't know how to get there. I'm not even sure if I'm on the right path, or if I should try approaching this another way. Maybe I'll end up leaving school again, or just putting up my camera and exacto knives away for good. I don't know. I'm young, though sometimes I don't feel it, and I have time to figure these things out.